My name is Jamie Matthews and I’m hoping that people can strengthen their testimonies or be uplifted by reading what I say. First, I wanted to talk about choices. I feel like this topic defines me and lets you see a little into who I am and where I’ve been.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was born and raised in the Church. Right before 9th grade and starting seminary, my Mom pretty much forced me to talk to seminary teacher and ask what I could do to prepare for seminary. I say force because I was extremely shy and there was no way I was initiating a question without a push. Anyways, I talked to my teacher and even though we were going to be studying the Old Testament she told me to read the Book of Mormon. So I did. I didn’t finish over the summer but I kept reading until I finished. When I got to the end I read Moroni’s Promise, where it says, “3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts. 4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. 5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” And that’s what I did. I remembered everything I had been taught in church. And then I asked if they weren’t true. I didn’t ask if they were true, but if they weren’t. I started thinking about what that meant—if things I had been taught were false. There was no God. No heaven. No eternal families. No Savior. And then I started thinking, then what would be the purpose to living? Everything appeared to have no hope. I realized that the things I have learned about a loving Heavenly Father and a purpose to life, a merciful Savior, eternal families—those thoughts make me happy. I wanted to believe that they were true.
Think about what makes you happy. Do you realize the happiness that is found in the pure gospel of Jesus Christ? Do you want to believe it? I decided I wanted to believe. I planted a seed of faith. If you want to believe something, you have a focus point and you look for ways to make it true. My faith has grown since then and I say that I know now, but it all started with a choice. I did not know then. I don’t know if I even really believed. I only decided I wanted to believe and because of that I looked for ways to strengthen my testimony.
Skip ahead several years. I served a mission. I got married. I had a son. Then my son died at almost 18 months. Right now I have another son who is now almost 3. I had a miscarriage last Christmas Eve (a little girl who was about 12-13 weeks). And now I'm pregnant again with another son (halfway through). Back to my first son who died at almost 18 months. I was visiting my family. I was upstairs for a short time. I got a distinct impression that “it was too quiet”. I gathered his clothes for the day and went downstairs with my Mom. I went to the family room where I had last seen him and he wasn’t there. My Mom mumbled “pool” and ran to the kitchen on the other side of the house. I stepped forward and caught the first glimpse of my son, face down, in the pool. By the time I got around my Mom had already jumped in the pool and pulled him back to the shallow end and lifted him up to me. We did CPR. We called 911. We got him a Priesthood Blessing. It took so long to revive him. They did CPR at my parent’s house, in the ambulance and continued in the hospital. My husband flew in from Indiana (to California). My father gave me a Priesthood blessing of comfort and told me to “hold onto my faith in miracles”. So we believed a miracle would happen. Other family flew in. Prayers and fasting happened all over the world. We expected him to recover, but we lost him the following evening.
There were so many what-ifs that went through my mind constantly. We had been teaching my son to swim, what if we had spent just a little more time in the pool and he had been water safe? Why didn’t my parent’s dog bark? My parents had re-done their backyard and their old fence no longer prevented access to the pool, but what if they had gotten a new fence just a little sooner? Why didn’t I get a prompting sooner? Why didn’t I hear a splash? I don’t remember what I was thinking about exactly but one time my Dad caught me in a what-if and he said in a blunt but loving manner, “Quit it”. None of that mattered. Dwelling on the what-ifs were not going to bring my son back. What did it do? It made me miserable. I realized I had to choose what to focus on. It was not easy. I can imagine being reunited with my son—he runs to me for a hug. So when the what-ifs came, I pictured that. At first, sometimes it only worked for a few seconds. Then a few minutes. It was a struggle for awhile, but I realized that we can choose what we focus on.
Life is so different for everyone. We don’t always control what happens to us. But no matter what happens, we can always choose our focus and our attitude. I have not experienced slavery, but when I listen to some of the African spirituals I am inspired. Some are melancholy and some are hopeful. I feel like there were slaves (possibly many slaves) who decided to be happy despite their circumstances. By saying this I am not saying you have to be happy WITH your circumstances; perhaps just happy DESPITE your circumstances.
There are many things in my life that make me who I am, but I often come back to choices. What do I want to believe? What makes me happy? Choose my focus in life based on what makes me happy. I recently took some time thinking about what I would want my life to be like if time and money weren’t an issue. From thinking about that I realized what things make me the most happy, what I’m most interested in. And to the extent possible I’m trying to implement those things now. For example, in my ideal life I have time for reading, family history and sharing things via blog/podcast or something. I can start those today, or at least try. As far as the Church goes, think about the core doctrines—we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and wants what’s best for us. He sent us to this Earth for a purpose and sent a Savior to provide a way for us to return to our Heavenly Home with our eternal families. Doesn’t that sound great? Do you want to believe? If so, focus on looking for the positive.
As my last note, I want to say that sometimes I have conversations with people in my head. In one such conversation I am talking with an atheist (no one specifically). They tell me I’m delusional for believing in life after death—it’s not scientific. And I reply, but it makes me happy. When I’m happy I’m more productive. And if I’m delusional I’ll never know. If there is no life after death I’ll still be happy til the end until I cease to exist. So even if there is no God and no life after death, I will have lived a happy life, and if there’s only this one life, what better way is there to live it, than happily?
With the gospel, take some moments to ponder what belief in God does for you? Think about the core doctrines of having a Savior? What does it mean to have a prophet? Does the Gospel bring you hope when you break it down to its ideals? Hold fast to that.
My Dad blessed me and told me to hold fast to my faith in miracles. I did not get the miracle I was hoping for but his counsel is STILL true. I have faith in miracles. My son did not miraculously recover but he recovered enough that he had two healthy heart valves to donate. We pulled through our grief. We believe in the miracle of the resurrection where we will one day be reunited with our son. So maybe our miracle hasn't happened yet, but I can continue to believe in miracles and the miracles we look forward to one day happening. Choose to find the silver linings. This does not mean you have to accept your circumstances as unchangeable or just or pleasant or what not, but you can still be happy in the midst of trying circumstances. I promise you it is possible with the help of a Savior who can lift and ease our burdens in the midst of our trials. Mosiah 24:14, "And I will also ease the aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their cafflictions."
